Archive for December, 2010

Life in India


What you will be reading ahead is a very painfull and sarcastic post on the life we have in india.

This can also be clasified as an offensive post so please stop reading here and close this page,  If you get offended very easily.

 
I am a typical mouse from Pune. In the local train compartment which has capacity of 100 persons, I travel with 500 more mice. mice at least squeak but we don’t even do that.

A  few days ago,  I heard a beautifully drafted speech by our Honourable Prime Minister. In which he said ‘NO BODY WOULD BE SPARED’. I would like to remind you that fourteen years has passed since serial bomb blast in Mumbai took place. Dawood was the main conspirator. Till today he is not caught. All our bolywood actors, our builders, our Gutka king meets him but your Government can not catch him. Reason is simple; all your ministers are hand in glove with him. If any attempt is made to catch him everybody will be exposed. Your statement ‘NOBODY WOULD BE SPARED’ is nothing but a cruel joke on this unfortunate people of my country.

Enough is enough. As such after seeing terrorist attack carried out by about a dozen young boys I realize that if same thing continues days are not away when terrorist will attack by air, destroy our nuclear reactor and there will be one more Hiroshima.

We the people are left with only one mantra. Womb to Bomb to Tomb. You promised our brother Mumbaikars a Shanghai what you have given us is Jalianwala Baug.

After the attack on mumbai, only your home minister resigned. What took you so long to kick out this joker? Only reason was that he was loyal to Gandhi family. Loyalty to Gandhi family is more important than blood of innocent people, isn’t it?

I was not born Mumbai, niether Maharashtra . but i love this place. but loving alone does not solve the problems. Believe me corruption in Maharashtra is worse than that in Bihar. Look at all the politician (you know them ) all are rolling in money.  Our esteemed Chief Minister’s only business is to increase the FSI every other day, make money and send it to Delhi so Congress can fight next election. Now the clown has found new way and will increase FSI for fisherman so they can build concrete house right on sea shore. Next time terrorist can comfortably live in those house , enjoy the beauty of sea and then attack Mumbai at their will.

Recently I had to purchase house in Pune. I met about two dozen builders. Everybody wanted about 30% in black. A common person like me knows this and with all your intelligent agency & CBI you and your finance minister are not aware of it. Where all the black money goes? To the underworld isn’t it? Our politicians take help of these goondas to vacate people by force. I myself was victim of it. If you have time please come to me, I will tell you everything.

If this has been land of fools, idiots then I would not have ever cared to write you this letter. Just see the tragedy, on one side we are reaching moon, people are so intelligent and on other side you politician has converted nectar into deadly poison. We have everyone. i.e Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Schedule caste, OBC, Muslim OBC, Christian Schedule caste, Creamy Schedule caste. What We dont have in INDIA is an INDIAN. You politicians have raped every part of mother India by your policy of divide and rule.

Take example of former president Abdul Kalam. Such a intelligent person & such a fine human being. You politicians didn’t even spare him.  Your party along with opposition joined the hands, because politicians feel they are supreme and there is no place for good people.

Dear Mr Prime minister you are one of the most intelligent & learned person. Just wake up, be a real SARDAR. Why is our money rotting in swiss banks when we are short of it here! First and foremost expose all selfish politician. Ask Swiss bank to give name of all Indian account holder. Give reins of CBI to independent agency. Let them find wolf among us. There will be political upheaval but that will better than dance of death which we are witnessing every day.  Just give us ambient where we can work honestly and without fear. Let there be rule of law. Everything else will be taken care of.

Choice is yours Mr. Prime Minister. Do you want to be lead by one person or you want to lead the nation of 100 Crore people?

What we engineers think?


 True engineers are known to be very technical. Infact so much that we can get a bit handfull but i guess its nowhere near to even our wild guesses.
 
 
CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!      
     
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:         
With her consent 12 Calories      
Without her consent 2,187 Calories      
           
OPENING HER BRA:         
With both hands 8 Calories      
With one hand 12 Calories      
With your teeth 485 Calories      
           
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:         
With an erection 6 Calories      
Without an erection 3,315 Calories      
           
POSITIONS:         
Missionary 12 Calories      
69 lying down 78 Calories      
69 standing up 812 Calories      
Wheelbarrow 216 Calories      
Doggy Style 326 Calories      
Italian chandelier 2,912 Calories      
           
ORGASMS:         
Real 112 Calories      
Fake 1,315 Calories      
           
POST ORGASM:         
Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories      
Getting up immediately 36 Calories      
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately 816 Calories      
           
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:         
If you are:         
20-29 years 36 Calories      
30-39 years 80 Calories      
40-49 years 124 Calories      
50-59 years 1,972 Calories      
60-69 years 7,916 Calories      
70 and over Results are still pending      
           
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:         
Calmly.. 32 Calories      
In a hurry 98 Calories      
With her father knocking at the door 5,218 Calories      
With your wife knocking at the door 13,521 Calories      
        
Results may vary!

Stupid Questions in obvious situations


10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations.

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends…

Stupid Question:-

Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:-

Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet…

Stupid Question:-

Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-

No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask…

Stupid Question:-

Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:-

Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:-

Is ! the “Butter Paneer Masala” dish good??

Answer:-

No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years…

Stupid Question:-

Munna, Chickoo, you’ve become so big.

Answer:-

Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…

Stupid Question:-

Is the guy you’re marrying good?

Answer:-

No,he’s a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout…it’s just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…

Stupid Question:-

Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:-

No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping….you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…

Stupid Question:-

Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:-

No, its autumn and I’m shedding……

9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…

Stupid Question:-

Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:-

No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks…

Stupid Question:-

Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:-

Gosh, it’s a miracle …….it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!

Read your appraisal reports carefully


This mail came to me as a casual forward. While, most people will take it as a joke, but this is the grim corporate reality. What you see as an appreciation, later comes out as an sarchasm. What you see is not what is happening.. People trying to gain that extra edge all the time… and what not..

This mail was sent by someone’s senior, to the HR dept in two mails realising that the employee is reading the appraisal over his shoulder.. the second mail is actually the real trick where you realise how shrewed a proper manager can be.. they reprimand you in a way that you actually look forward to the next encounter…

Now, coming to the point, here is the mail

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping

coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be

classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

—————————-
e-mail number 2
Attention: Human Resources
Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards,
Project Leader

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